Learning to be.
Updated: Aug 2, 2020
Holy smokes - how do you "just be" when you could be meditating, doing the laundry, calling your mom, finishing the work project that was due last week, etc. etc. etc.? Maybe even trying to do all those things at once. Who are these people who think that is possible?!
I was a pro at running a meditation app while doing two other things.
Now I catch myself watching the bees.
The first lesson with my coach was that he gave me space to just be. Step off of the hamster wheel and be me for an hour. And I was appreciative and scared. Who the hell was I without that wheel and my to-do list? I was very successful on my wheel. Why would I step off? I followed his direction and just tried. And I tried. Session by session it got easier - two steps forward and one step back. It was messy and frustratingly hard.
I was appalled that I didn't know how to be with just me. I knew my husband for 29 years before he passed. Shortly after our daughter left for college. I dropped her off at school, drove 2 hours home, walked into my now empty house, sat in the dark living room, and sobbed as loud as I could for as long as I must. I had never been alone. I prided myself on my independence - yet I had never really been entirely alone. 46 and no one to know what I was doing or how I was being.
I spent the next 2 years making space. Physically and emotionally. I gave away and sold many things. I sold my house. I moved to a new home with a new partner. I went part-time at work and then decided I was done with this career. I sat on the deck with Paul and tried to copy his joy in sitting with music in the garden. I retired joyfully and celebrated.
I looked forward to being bored. And. I. Was. Bored. I felt like I had lost my identity. Who was I to have nothing to do? I embraced the discomfort and the mess every day. I just tried. Each day I learned what I could, slept and tried again. I learned crochet, did monthly crafting projects, started meditating again, found exercise classes - and realized I had created a new hamster wheel. So, I stepped off again.
One day I sat on the deck in the sun with my coffee. Paul joined me and asked what I was doing. I was stunned. I was just watching the bees in the flowers above me. I was mesmerized. Oooooh - just being is delicious! My first taste of being.
My favorite morning routine now is to walk the perimeter of the garden to see what insects are out. Tuck the morning glory vines where I want them to go next. Pluck the dead leaves from the hibiscus. Check on the tomatoes for ripeness. And then to answer my love when he asks what I am doing - "whatever I want".
Come with me and just be. I'll sit with you.