I am used to not celebrating Mother's Day with my mom. It's been two years since my mother died. Ten years before that, I started losing her to Alzheimer's.
I miss her more as time goes on. This has been a surprise. I'm sure that I am romanticizing our relationship, and the complex parts are melting away.
There is no timeline for grief, but I really thought I would be 'done' by now. There is no finish line. I am just continually processing and noticing what this new relationship is like with my mother, who is not here.
The older I get, the more ready I am to have hard conversations and explore our lives together. But she isn't here anymore, and the opportunity got away from me.
I want to share an experience with her. Invite her to brunch. Have her over for a Pepsi on the deck. See a concert together. We rarely had a chance for ordinary things. Drama and unmet expectations got in the way. Why do I imagine that it would be different now? Wishful thinking.
I miss the possibilities and wishes coming true.
So how do I celebrate Mother's Day with mommy issues? (Check out Bethany Webster - Mother Wound).
I could do a ritual of some sort, plant a flower, take a walk in her favorite spot, drink a Pepsi and raise a glass. (Here is a link to other ideas.) I could talk to her, but I don't believe she is anywhere where she can hear me. The exercise would help, but I don't want to. I want ease, not work.
Nothing speaks to me right now, so I wrote this instead. I am processing my grief and thoughts about having her and not having her as my mother. Tears are always good. Thanks for listening.