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What is your joy?

What brings you joy? Carefree, uninhibited joy?

I have been working on my answer for years, and I am still struggling. I have a fantastic coach, and now a few more for the certification process. I have brought it up in class. I created a list of things to do before I die so that I am fulfilled. But moving an idea to action is so hard for me. I took it on as homework last week

I googled the word. That feels silly to say, but I did. I was shocked to find how many links were from the bible or similar. I am not a practitioner but consider myself ever learning and spiritual seeking. The joy I am looking for is not the feeling I receive from being selfless. I am looking for happiness that is purely for me. The emotion that I have avoided because it feels selfish and sin, and have learned that it is neither.

What does joy mean to me, then? Losing time in an activity or event. Forgetting how I look, if my stomach is sucked in, or if my laugh is too loud. Shouting or making weird noises because I can’t control myself. Wanting to tell everyone about what I just did because it was sooo much fun!

I could come up with little at first. A good book. Spending time with family. A movie. I kept working at it for a year (yes, a year!) and realized I had a few others. I had forgotten to cultivate fun and joy and to dream. Sound familiar?

I am embarrassed, but I'm here for you, so here goes.

I am a fangirl – Harry Potter, anything Marvel (not DC except Wonder Woman, of course!), “Supernatural” (the TV show – heck, I’m wearing pants with symbols from the show right now) and Star Wars. I can see from my desk a few wands, Dean and Sam bobbleheads, and a handmade Star Wars nesting doll. Paul is aware, and I keep him around because he supports my enthusiasm. He caught me last night with my mouth agape and eyes wide as we watched “Shield,” and I heard something in the dialog that connected to the movies. Owning this part of me is freeing in such an unexpected way. To be vulnerable with your love, how wonderful!

What geeky interest do you secretly enjoy??

I LOVE to travel. I want it to be about the culture and learning new things, but I think I enjoy seeing new parts of the world with the hope that I can see it all. I want to earn the sticker on the map, stamp my book, take the pictures, and find my favorite coffee or pastry shop EVERYWHERE just because it is there to see. I am sad to think that I might miss something incredible. Epcot can only offer so much!

Where do you wish to go?

I want a small legacy to be the genealogy of our family. I get lost in my computer connecting the dots and finding the pictures and documents. I feel guilty spending my free hours at the computer, but I realized just this week that I have fun doing it, so I am going to permit myself to do it. Even if the sun is out and the day is gorgeous. Paul, go soak up the sun for both of us, and I will leave the window open.

What passion do you want to share with others?

I am thinking about an archery class, test driving a three-wheeled motorcycle, learning to dance, crocheting enough to be proficient (although it makes me feel like an old lady), and reading in my chair with a blanket and - no guilt. I think that is the crux of the issue right there. Doing something for pure pleasure and not feeling guilting about it.

Writing has helped me to figure this out a little more.

Do you have the same struggle? Let’s talk and see what joy awaits you.

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